Famous and Infamous Passengers On Board
Photos place former Twisted Sister lead singer Dee Snyder among the passengers of the doomed train. One passenger, who requested that her name be withheld, said in a telephone interview from the train that she first saw him in the observation car. "He claimed his name was 'Tom,'" she said. "How original is that? His hair was cut so he must have been trying to travel incognito." She insisted she was sure it was Snyder, and as proof she emailed a photo she took with her camera phone.


File photo (top left), camera phone photo from train (right), and artist rendition (bottom) prove that "Tom" is actually Dee Snyder.



Also trapped on board the train is Vermont singer and songwriter, Patti Casey. Thought to be leader of the infamous "610 Gang", officials have not ruled out the possibility that she was somehow responsible for this mishap. The Washington County Vermont sheriff told The Weekly Wacko that he's been keeping an eye on her for a long time. "By pretending to be a musician, she has been able to travel often and without raising suspicion for a long time. Coincidentally, the places she visits to 'perform' are all towns with banks in them. We know that she traveled to California to plan some kind of bank robbery, possibly involving ATM machines. It's very possible that this is all part of a train-robbery plan. I'm sure she thought she had us fooled by playing with a band called the 'Bluegrass Gospel Project', but it will take more than a holy sounding name to get me off her tail."

Former Colorado resident Billy Smart is also thought to be on board. Most recently living in the San Francisco area, it is believed that he was on board the train to meet with Casey to help mastermind their latest robbery.
Somewhere in the Sierras - An Amtrak passenger train traveling from Emeryville California to Chicago remains trapped in the mountains near Donner Pass tonight. The train was traveling eastbound the afternoon of Friday, February 1st, when it was stopped by mounting snow. Heavy equipment was called in to help free the train, but the snow was too much for one of the tractors. It strayed onto a bridge, crashed through the tracks destroying rails, and now teeters precariously, a single 2x4 wedged to keep it from falling off the deck and into the chasm below.

Sixty people escaped the train, but 155 remained behind. Some of the rescued called them heroes, but most thought otherwise. "They're doomed," said one of the passengers who escaped from car 612 at the end of the train. "The crew is eating all the food, only providing a small package of stale nuts to those poor souls. They refuse to give the people water, and they're hoarding the blankets for themselves!" Another agreed. "I think the only way they're going to get out of there alive is if they resort to cannibalism - well, except for whoever they eat." One woman who was carrying a shivering child told reporters, "I couldn't believe it. There was one young man who almost escaped with us. He helped me to the street with my bags, then went back to help some others. He said he was going to publish this entire story on his website, but he never came back. I think I saw the crew dragging him back onboard the train!" A conductor identified only as "Christine" refuted this claim. "He came back on the train on his own accord!" she said as she slammed the door on reporters.

The train was stranded near the town of Gold Run, located between Sacramento and Truckee. It's almost exactly where the Donner Party perished 161 years before in 1847. The site was also close to where a train was trapped by snow for six days in 1952. "It's just too dangerous for human travel," said a local attorney as he passed out business cards. "Amtrak should have known that - what with the Donner Party and all. This is far worse than the 'City of San Francisco' incident in 1952. They ran out of fuel, had no heat, and two rescue workers died trying to rescue them. But at least the passengers could smoke."

"This was supposed to be a three hour trip," said a first-class passenger as he boarded a bus with his wife, five friends, and seventeen trunks of clothing and supplies. "I didn't want to go through what I did the last time I took one of those!" One of his companions agreed, saying, "I don't think we can blame this one on my little buddy. I'm just glad it wasn't my boat this time."

One former passenger wasn't so sure the ordeal was as bad as some of the others were claiming. "The heat was on and beer is flowing in the observation car. It didn't look so bad to me." But since this person wasn't angry, screaming, or jumping up and down, this reporter chose to find a more interesting person to interview, somone who was crying out "They're all going to die! This is the worst of the worst catastrophes in the world! Oh, the humanity!"


Association of Automobile Salesmen Files Complaint

Noted used car salesman "Crazy Eddie" is among the missing, and the Association of Automobile Salesmen filed a formal complaint against Amtrak shortly after the train was stalled. "We just want to see Ed again," said the organization spokesman. "Everyone loves used car salesmen, and I don't know why they're holding him. They may think we're a bunch of grapes, but we're not going to let them broom us!"
 Tensions Mount Between The Commoners and "The Sleepers"

Through telephone interviews, The Weekly Wacko has learned that there is a group of passengers on board the train virtually unaffected by the tragedy. Known as "The Sleepers," these passengers have full run of the entire train but are able to retreat into the first three cars at will, effectively isolating them from the angry mob in the cold rear third class cars. They're the first to eat, they get free meals, and they are allowed to drink alcohol that wasn't purchased on the train. Our anonymous source also discovered that they even have showers in their cars, which they refuse to share. Any attempts to access these forbidden cars is blocked by the vicious Dining Car Staff, who won't allow any non-sleepers near the door to their luxury railcars.